Burnout

Katii Bishop / Pexels

I thought it was just a burnout.

A close colleague and friend of mine left the company while we were in the middle of our "hell months"--the months when work in our company is at its most hectic. Being of the eldest batch of editorial assistants, the two of us handled the most complicated projects. When she left, two new ones replaced her, but of course I could not yet assign them the "complicated" projects that I handled.

When the "hell months" were over, replaced by a two-week Christmas/New Year season transition lull, I thought the "burnout" would also be over.

When regular work resumed in January, and we had an incredibly lighter load--add to that not a few major changes gradually introduced into the company by the new management, I noticed that I was... slowing down. I know I do work slowly. (But God knows I try to go fast. Every single freaking time.) But all I knew at the time, and even now, was that I haven't been this slow before. Except maybe for my "down times" as a student.

I meant delaying some work.

I meant slowing down.

But what I didn't mean to do was to not care. To lose interest. To lose passion.

Or did I mean it?

We're almost through with the second month of the year, and I still could not help but feel that way. Not every day, but most of the time. Almost every other day.

I'm starting to believe that this might be more than just a burnout, even more than just the proverbial PMS.

But I had to keep going with life. With living. If ever one can call it as such. No matter how fucking sick and tired I am of it. Or of just about everything. So sick I just want to sleep the rest of my life off.

Of course, there are still some happy moments along the way. But the dark, lonely times just keep creeping in, like a giant bell jar hovering over your head on a clear sunny day, its shadow looming, threatening to swallow you up.

Maybe it's something with my soul.

And I don't know what you think, but I don't want to blame it on my books, my music, my family and friends, my work, or even God (although the ones I mentioned before God may be a factor).

I'm afraid there must be something wrong with me.

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Last updated February 27, 2017